We would all like to think that love worked the way that it did in the movies, but the reality is that conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. It’s never pleasant when it first rears its ugly head, especially since most relationships start out with unbridled affection.
Conflict often starts when things start to change. For example, your partner might stop calling as much as they used to. They might pull away and not show the same level of intimacy that they did when the relationship first started. Either way, it is important to respond the right way in order to avoid making things worse.
Perhaps the most common mistake people make is to avoid conflict altogether. They might just pretend that everything is fine and hope that the problem will solve itself. This is especially true of people who have been through many unsuccessful relationships in the past. The more heartbreaks a person has been through, the easier it is for them to let serious problems slide.
The problem with this approach is that you start to you end up secretly resenting your partner. Withholding your feelings becomes a habit, and you eventually become cold to your partner. This can breed additional resentment on their behalf, and the problem continues to escalate in a cycle, sometimes leading to a blow up.
When all of the negative feelings eventually come pouring out, as they inevitably will, it is important to understand what your partner hears. They won’t hear your feelings, why you are hurt, or what they can do about it. Instead, they will just hear that they did something wrong, and that you are blaming them for it. This results is defensive feelings that don’t lead anywhere productive.
Our tendency is to either bury our feelings, or to respond by telling our partner what they are doing that is bothering us. The problem is that neither of these strategies actually addresses the root cause. Rather than thinking about what your partner is doing, it is much better to focus on the feelings that are brought up.
As an example, if your partner doesn’t call you anymore, it is much better to say something along the lines of, “I’m feeling sad that we don’t talk as much as we used to.” The key phrase here is, “I feel.” You might notice that, before a fight starts, you typically utter a phrase more like, “You never call me anymore.” If your partner cares about you, they will be interested in hearing how you feel. But nobody is ever interested in hearing what they are doing wrong.
“Is there something I should know?” is another key phrase that can be very helpful. If you feel like something is wrong, the conversation should be about how something is wrong, not about how your partner is wrong. This is a subtle difference, but it is also an incredibly important one. It is only by communicating in this manner that you can uncover the source of the problem and find out if it is something that can be reconciled.
